How to Get Out of an Abusive Relationship
Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the hardest things a person can do. It’s scary, confusing, and often feels impossible.
But it’s important to remember that you deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, and love. If you’re in a relationship where you feel unsafe, controlled, or belittled, this guide is for you.
Here’s how to take steps toward freedom and safety.
Recognize the Abuse
The first step to getting out of an abusive relationship is understanding that what you’re experiencing is abuse.
Abuse isn’t just physical violence. It can also be emotional, verbal, financial, or sexual. Here are some signs to look for:
Physical abuse: Hitting, slapping, pushing, or any form of physical harm.
Emotional abuse: Constant criticism, name-calling, or making you feel worthless.
Control: Monitoring your phone, isolating you from friends and family, or controlling your money.
Threats: Threatening to hurt you, themselves, or someone you love.
Manipulation: Making you feel guilty or blaming you for their behavior.
If any of these sound familiar, it’s time to take action. Abuse often gets worse over time, so the sooner you can leave, the better.
Understand It’s Not Your Fault
One of the hardest parts of leaving an abusive relationship is dealing with the guilt and shame that often come with it. Abusers are experts at making you feel like everything is your fault. They might say things like, “You made me do this,” or “If you didn’t act that way, I wouldn’t get so angry.”
But here’s the truth: No one deserves to be abused. No matter what you’ve said or done, abuse is never your fault. It’s about the abuser’s need for control, not your worth as a person.
Reach Out for Help
You don’t have to do this alone. Leaving an abusive relationship can feel overwhelming, but there are people and resources that can help. Here’s how to start:
Talk to Someone You Trust
This could be a friend, family member, coworker, or anyone you feel safe with. Let them know what’s going on. Even if it’s hard to talk about, having someone on your side can make a huge difference.
Contact a Domestic Violence Hotline
There are organizations dedicated to helping people in abusive relationships. They can provide advice, resources, and even help you create a safety plan. In the U.S., you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). They’re available 24/7, and everything you say is confidential.
Seek Professional Support
A therapist or counselor can help you process what you’ve been through and give you tools to rebuild your life. Many domestic violence shelters also offer free counseling services.
Make a Safety Plan
Leaving an abusive relationship can be dangerous, so it’s important to have a plan in place. A safety plan is a set of steps you can take to protect yourself during and after leaving. Here’s how to create one:
1. Identify Safe Places
Think about where you can go if you need to leave quickly. This could be a friend’s house, a family member’s home, or a domestic violence shelter.
2. Pack a Go-Bag
Prepare a bag with essentials in case you need to leave in a hurry. Include things like:
Important documents (ID, passport, birth certificates)
Money, credit cards, or bank information
A change of clothes
Medications
A phone charger
Keep this bag hidden or at a trusted person’s house.
3. Plan Your Exit
If possible, leave when your abuser isn’t around. This reduces the risk of confrontation. If you’re afraid they’ll try to stop you, consider asking someone to be with you when you leave.
4. Protect Your Communication
Abusers often monitor phones and computers. If you’re planning to leave, use a safe device to communicate with others. You can also change your passwords and enable two-factor authentication on your accounts.
Take Legal Steps
If you’re in immediate danger, call 911 or your local emergency number. In many places, you can also get a restraining order (also called a protection order) to keep your abuser away from you. Here’s how to start:
1. Document the Abuse
Keep a record of any incidents, including dates, times, and what happened. Take photos of injuries, save threatening messages, and gather any other evidence. This can help if you need to go to court.
2. Contact a Lawyer
A lawyer can help you understand your rights and options. Many domestic violence organizations offer free or low-cost legal services.
3. File for a Restraining Order
A restraining order legally requires your abuser to stay away from you. The process varies by location, but you can usually start by visiting your local courthouse or police station.
Rebuild Your Life
Leaving an abusive relationship is a huge step, but it’s just the beginning. Healing and rebuilding your life will take time, but it’s possible. Here are some ways to start:
1. Focus on Your Safety
Even after you leave, your abuser might try to contact or harm you. Stay vigilant, and don’t hesitate to call the police if you feel unsafe.
2. Surround Yourself with Support
Spend time with people who care about you and make you feel good about yourself. Join a support group for survivors of abuse—it can help to connect with others who understand what you’ve been through.
3. Take Care of Your Mental Health
Abuse can leave deep emotional scars. Therapy can help you work through the trauma and build your self-esteem.
4. Rediscover Yourself
Abusive relationships often strip away your sense of self. Take time to explore your interests, hobbies, and goals. What makes you happy? What do you want for your future?
5. Be Patient with Yourself
Healing isn’t linear. Some days will be harder than others, and that’s okay. Celebrate small victories, and remind yourself how strong you are for taking this step.
You’re Not Alone
Leaving an abusive relationship is incredibly brave, but it’s also one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. Remember, you don’t have to face it alone. There are people who care about you and resources to help you every step of the way.
If you’re reading this and still feel unsure, that’s okay. Take it one step at a time. Even small actions—like telling someone what’s happening or packing a go-bag—can bring you closer to freedom.
You deserve to live a life free from fear and full of love. It’s not easy, but it’s possible. And you’re worth it.
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